BLEEP

Lanarkshire Man in Shock Health Shuffle
Incredulity greeted last month’s latest attempt to find somewhere to fit John Reid. “We thought someone was having us on,” an unnamed DoH official spluttered. “The guy’s from Lanarkshire for God’s sake! What’s that called, an oxymoron?” But Dr Reid (not a real doctor) may yet prove his critics wrong. Indeed he has taken the first tentative steps towards “health” by giving up his much loved fags, at least in public. It remains to be seen whether his equally beloved “ginger” and “chippies” will follow suit.

Chisholm Inquiry Latest
The hastily appointed Chisholm inquiry into rumours of contract signing heard evidence today of allegations that the negotiators “sexed up” the contract before it was put to the profession. “We were told that we could opt out within 45 minutes of signing, and that we would have “substantial” pay rises. None of these issues of mass popularity have yet been confirmed.” said one disgruntled GP. “Its looking like the case for signing has been totally exaggerated to get the result they (the negs) wanted.”

New Polypill for Scotland
The Scottish Executive confirmed yesterday that as one of the benefits of devolution a Scottish Polypill was being formulated to be distributed from secondary schools upwards. The pill was announced amid fears that Scotland’s peculiar health needs would be overlooked by the standard formula. “The pill will cover all the basic health requirements your average Scot could want...it will contain Xenical, DF118 doubles, diazepam, Vitamin B Co Forte, Thiamine and probably Prozac.”, announced an Executive spokesperson. “And let me assure you that we won’t be skimping, the diazepam will definitely be the blue ones.”

Carr Hill Tweakery
John Reid admitted last week that there would be some changes to the controversial Carr Hill formula now he holds the reins at the DoH. Unconfirmed reports suggest that new measures to be factored in include a percentage of patients sporting a tattoo or belly piercing, number of tanning parlours per practice area, and average Buckfast consumption. Whether practices will be able to up their Carr Hill by installing a tanning parlour in a spare consulting room has yet to be finalised. “It may come out as an enhanced service in the final draft, but what matters is that robust indices of deprivation will at last be used” said one relieved Scottish negotiator.

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.