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FINLAY AND THE CONTRACT SUMMIT

By Peter Murchie
Contact the author by e-mail at christopher.johnstone@ntlworld.com

Scene 1: Janet’s Pantry

Dr Cameron emitted a satisfied sigh as he sank into the deep leather arm chair that took pride of place in Janet’s Pantry, Tannochbrae surgery’s inner sanctum. In his hand was a wedge of Janet’s best jam sponge and it was this into which he now sank his teeth. He cast his mind back over the preceding cases as he awaited his young colleague. He keenly anticipated how he would tell young Finlay how, only this morning he had diagnosed cases of yersinia enterocolitis and two cases of lateral medullary syndrome. The field of general practice held few enduring conundrums for a physician as adept with taste-buds and wooden spatula as he.

It was a deeply preoccupied Finlay who entered several moments later, brows as furrowed as his rough corduroy suit. He slumped into the chair opposite Cameron with a weary sigh.

“Be of good cheer, Finlay!” boomed Cameron, looking up from his copy of the bugle. Seeing Finlay’s gloomy visage he asked

“Problems with thon bonny wee nurse again Finlay? Will ye never learn? Well ye can just bring yersel along to Gibbfield on Saturday. Tannochbrae and Rangers in the cup. That’ll take yer mind off it.”

He resumed his pipe-puffing.

“Dash it all! Where is that woman?” said Cameron. He rang. A flustered Janet entered, tinkling china teas things on a tray which she set down before the two good doctors.

“Dr Finlay’s love sick again, Janet”, chortled Cameron. She looked sympathetically at the young man, his face a dismal mask.

“Och it’s nothing to do with that, Dr Cameron” said Finlay irritably, waving a sheaf of papers.

“It’s this new contract that’s depressing me. Have ye no seen it?”

“Ach awa wi ye, Finlay, never bother yer heid with such clap-trap. New contract indeed! Now let me tell you only this morning..”

“It’s going to make things dashed difficult for us” interupted the younger man.

“Targets for this, targets for that. Domains, indicators, points” said Finlay flicking through the tome.

“Here, you look at it” pressing the document on his older partner.

“Och, Finlay” said Cameron as he began to flick through the pages.

“Blether’s, blether’s” he said. Finlay watched.

The colour slowly began to drain from his partner’s face like an arctic sunset.

“Carr Hill, Carr Hill” muttered Cameron.

He looked up, his expression matching his younger partner’s. Together they looked like a pair of dyspeptic toby jugs. After a moment’s pause he leapt from his chair.

“There’s only one answer to this. We’ll need to negotiate our own! Janet get me Dr Sparrow on the phone.”

“Och Dr Cameron, Sparrow died in Venice,” moaned Finlay.

“Hold yer wheest, Finlay.” Minutes later Cameron was in heated telephonic communication with the Chairman of the Guild of Unbelievably Fantastic and Fictitious Family practitioners, that’s GUFFF.

The result….for the next three weeks, young Erchie the Tannochbrae messenger boy whizzed the length and breadth of the land on his gleaming Norton Featherbed. His mission to deliver, hand to hand, impressive brown envelopes marked “Urgent. Contract Summit.” From Cardale to Albert Square, from the Riverside Practice to Lochdubh Surgery his slight liveried frame strode purposefully through surgery doors, unswaying in his mission, pointedly ignoring the cries of “anachronism” from just off-set.

Scene 2 One Month Later in the Tannochbrae Arms

One month later a handsome Dr Simon Sparrow stood up and cast his eye around the function room of the Tannochbrae Arms.

“Thank you everyone. Thank you for coming in such numbers to this special GUFFF Contract Summit. If you’ll just mark your name on the register…” motioning with well manicured hands and a flash of Duchamp cufflink toward a full list of attendees pinned to the wall between a still life of fruit and some rutting stags.

Register
Dr Finlay
Dr Cameron
Dr Anthony Trueman (Eastenders)
Dr Dougal Brown (Hamish McBeth Lochdubh)
Dr Will Preston (Peak Practice - Cardale)
Dr Tom Denely (Peak Practice)
Dr Alex Redman (Peak Practice)
Dr Matt Kendal (Peak Practice)
Dr. Brendan 'Mac' McGuire (Doctors) Riverside Surgery and the Best Practice,
Dr Matt Ramsden (Coronation Street)
Dr Hilary Jones
Dr Simon Sparrow

“These are challenging times my friends and the unique pressures of our profession mean that we are not like normal GPs. For that reason we’ve gathered here to start the ball rolling on our own New Contract, a contract that will revolutionize the entire discipline of fictitious general practice” At this point Hamish McBeath’s Doc Brown stumbled in from the bar, pint in one hand, a reefer like a rolling pin in the other.

“Did I miss anything” he said swaying slightly.

“Off course not,” everyone said chuckling indulgently, anticipating no end of unconventional japery from the tousled toker.

“Now,” said Sparrow, “Down to business.”

Structured in five intensive sessions the remainder of the afternoon was spent in concentrated and heated debate, breaking only for lashings of tea, jam sponge and rock cake.

Session 1: Affairs with Patient’s

“At least three a year” said Dr Ramsden.
“Extra points for sisters?” added Dr Trueman.
“Enhanced payment for making page one of the Sun?” asked Hilary Jones, just before being ejected from the meeting for being too good to be true. “Mac” McGuire got to his feet.
“Where’s Tristram, you bloody vet?” belowed Doc Brown to roars of laughter. Ignoring this slight the daytime diagnostician started a discussion which led to a coherent framework to encourage inappropriate romantic entanglements with receptionists, colleagues and a clear proposal to continue the existing GMC non existence rule for scriptwriters.

Session 2: Caring

The Peak Practice partners really dominated session 2. Useful and realistic targets were set for percentage of patients dropped in on for a cuppa during family get-togethers, ruefully smiling as your page went during a candle-lit dinner and cheerfully greeting the sociopath sitting on your front door step when you got home from a hard day. It was Dr Trueman however who suggested the 3 second rule for arrival at domestic crises, although this was increased to 15 seconds at Doc Brown’s insistence on allowing for the development of absurdity and whimsy.

Session 3: Attending Disasters

After a lengthy and heated session (interrupted briefly when Ashley and Fred arrived to remonstrate with Dr Ramsden) it was decided that this should be placed into the enhanced services bracket. It was agreed that to qualify for the payments each individual doctor should single-handedly manage an explosion in a petrochemical plant, two plane crashes and the aftermath of a mad axeman per year. All felt this would pose few difficulties.

Session 4: Issues

Sensationalism and down-playing the facts were to be the key indicators in this crucial area. Members must continue to appear to welcome a bulimia or teenager impregnated by the local café owner in their Friday pm surgery. Particularly to be encouraged were messages in gritty regional accents at the conclusion of “issues episodes” of the general form

“If you or anyone you know has a passing interest in the issues in tonight’s show you MUST consult your own GP late on Friday afternoon.”

If at all possible members were to encourage patients to shake them by the lapel frequently during “issues episodes”.

Session 5: Personal Turbulence

It was agreed that a turbulent private life was defined as a core service with points coming for attainment in four domains, drug and alcohol abuse, divorce or same sex relationships, financial impropriety or just caring too damn much. All members would continue to be fabulously caring as their lives disintegrated around them. There were some concerns for Finlay, Cameron and Doc Brown on the gritty realism front until Doc Brown reassured all present that he had something up his sleeve involving a highland terrier and a sinister press photographer, and Finlay and Cameron outlined the Thai lady-boy episode.

Exhausted but satisfied the delegates drifted to the bar. Finlay, Cameron and Sparrow took the air on the front steps of the Arms. Gratefully they puffed on pipes and gazed at the valley below as the sound of Doc Brown leading the rest in comic song drifted from the open windows of the saloon bar.

“Aye, Sparrow man, a damned fine afternoon’s work” beamed Cameron. “Mind you Finlay,” he said turning to his younger colleague, dinna you be paying ony heed to Ramsden or Trueman. Just you stick to yon bonny wee nurse…”.

HONK! HONK! His discourse was interrupted as waving and bonneted, Donald Sinden and Kenneth More pulled up in a vintage car.

Other hoolet online articles by Peter Murchie can be found at:
hoolet edition 49 - Sandyjim Saves the Day
hoolet edition 48 - And The Winner Is...
hoolet edition 47 - A Christmas Caper
hoolet edition 46 - The Edinburgh Festival
hoolet edition 45 - Struck By Enlightenment
hoolet edition 44 - The Pendleton Code
hoolet edition 43 - Christmas Eve at The Pole
hoolet edition 42 - An Unexpected Reunion
hoolet edition 41 - The Complementary Garage
hoolet edition 40- Up General Practice!!
hoolet edition 39- Ten Years From Now
hoolet edition 38 - Finlay and the Contract Summit
hoolet edition 37 - Johnny the Bow and the New Contract
hoolet edition 36 - Science For Football's Sake
hoolet edition 35 - Evidence-Based Golfing
hoolet edition 34 - Dr. Marlowe

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.