MORNINGS ARE BROKEN

By David Clark
Contact the author by e-mail at christopher.johnstone@ntlworld.com

I don’t know about you, but I’m not really a morning person. Admittedly, I’m better than I was but we are talking degrees of anti-socialness. This does not entirely fit in with the rest of my family as my wife is very much a morning person and in common with all such deviants cannot understand why everyone is not like her. My youngest daughter, Emma, approaches each day with such enthusiasm it is difficult not to be carried along with her. But I try. She bounces down the stairs and sorts herself out a bowl of ‘run-like-a-maniac flakes’ while conducting several conversations and watching the TV at the same time. I can’t believe I fathered this weirdo. (Just kidding!)

My eldest daughter, Caitlin, on the other hand, is much more like me. Rather sullen first thing and not at all happy to be approaching a new school day. Breakfast is conducted in almost total silence and any effort required of her is met only by a sleepy glare and a resigned grunt.

Weekends are a little different as Caitlin can sleep late and emerges more or less human. Emma retains her boundless enthusiasm but unfortunately this tends to manifest itself in a fight with her mother over what clothes are to be worn today. Shame they can’t wear school uniform at weekends. I honestly don’t know why they bother fighting as the outfit that is chosen generally gets replaced at some point during the day anyway. If you could harness the energy expended in these scraps you could solve the world’s energy crisis many times over. Curiously, it always put me in mind of my nice little bachelor pad….

Anyway, the reason I’m banging on about this is because I believe I’m getting better in the mornings. You may wonder what this has to do with you and I’ll come to that, but first off, I don’t quite understand this change in me. It is certainly not the result of conscious effort (consciousness and effort are generally both a struggle first thing) so I can only assume that somehow or other I am ‘on the mend.’ This suggests to me that I have inadvertently stumbled upon a cure. Unfortunately I have no idea what that cure could be.

I am pretty sure it is nothing to do with getting older as it is common knowledge that as we age we become more grumpy and set in our ways. I’m sure there are studies to confirm that, but I just don’t know what they are. The truth is I think I may be something of a medical miracle.

I am sure there are many families out there made up of happy and not so happy morning people and this cannot be good for the health of the nation. People winding each other up early doors leads to stress which leads to anxiety and depression resulting in ulcers and tumours and eventually even death! All for want of a civil word over toast.

But fret no longer good physician, because I am here. A walking, talking medical oddity. Think of the good that could be done by bottling that part of me that makes me so useful…assuming I can do without it. Think of the stress avoided and the fights defused before they even happen. Perhaps whatever drug we find could make its way to some off label use and cure road rage or grumpy commuters or war in the Middle East or…

OK, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here but you see where I’m going with this. You are all medical professionals and I feel certain that you are salivating at the thought of how your workload could be slashed if this were to come to pass. I have been reading this magazine for some time now and it is as plain as the ears on Prince Charles’ head that there are not enough hours in the day for you guys.

So what could be more appropriate than to offer myself up for medical study using the good pages of ‘The Hoolet’ to so do. I already carry a donor card and that makes me feel pretty good but to really maximise the feeling of usefulness I have to die, which seems a little extreme at present. Giving blood is OK too but it’s a bit of a conveyor belt. But this! THIS! This is world changing stuff. So if any of you out there are interested in doing a spot of research, well I’m available.

And just to address any cynics among you who doubt that my motives are not entirely altruistic, it has only barely crossed my mind that there might be a couple of quid in it…

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hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.