NEIGHBOUR MEETS NORTON

By Alex Thain
Contact the author by e-mail at christopher.johnstone@ntlworld.com

In a tenth anniversary edition a lad’s thoughts inevitably drift laterally- ten men left on the field, Bo Derek in the film “10” or even Channel 4’s recent top ten of just about anything. It occurs to me that GP’s will have top ten’s of a different genre- good, bad, infuriating or even amusing. What if we combined Channel 4 and our top ten “inner consultation” thoughts, a sort of Roger Neighbour meets Graham Norton. For those unfamiliar with the good Dr Neighbour’s model (surely not many!), these thoughts are the silent ones that your soul and being would like to expose but your professionalism usually subjugates. So, in no particular order with my own childish, spiteful and petty responses in italic-

“You know I’ve got a high pain threshold Dr.” You have many things Mrs J but tolerance of any discomfort isn’t one of them.

“The consultant said I was one of the worst cases he’d ever seen” Is there no end to your drama; it was only an ingrowing toenail “The hospital appointments lady said to speak to your GP about the waiting time” Aye, like I’ve got divine influence- sorry missus but you’re no worse than anyone else and I’m roundly hacked off with catching the flak.

“I don’t come often so I’ve saved everything up for you” Oh lucky me, your generosity knows no bounds. Join the dots; do you really think it helps?

“You’re always running late” Absolutely right, and you’ve never been willing to move in less than fifteen minutes.

“I haven’t been able to get an appointment for weeks” Well, lets explore some reasons as to why that may be because I haven’t had a day off in weeks. Let’s start with the demand and supply equation shall we?

“I just know that you’ll be the one to get to the bottom of my problem” Aye, right, sure. Four partners, six consultants and one psychologist haven’t -so why me?

“You sounded so poorly earlier this week that I brought you some cough sweeties” Bless you, I’ve been feeling crap all week and no one’s batted an eyelid. Wee things like this help the job no end!

“You know how drugs and me don’t get on Dr.” I’m sure that they might if you didn’t dissect the product insert before spending hours on the net to find one article by an Argentinean proctologist suggesting that your cardiac condition, might, on very rare occasions, potentially pose a slight problem.

“The consultant said if I just ask my GP to refer me then I’ll see you quickly”” Personally I doubt it, but it’s going to be unequivocally crystal clear in the referral letter.

And as for my top ten “letter for” requests…

Other hoolet online articles by Alex Thain can be found at:
hoolet edition 50 - A Fairy Tale
hoolet edition 49 - A Tale of Two Addicts
hoolet edition 48 - The Supporter
hoolet edition 47 - Cannon Fodder
hoolet edition 46 - The Commercial Imperative Alternative
hoolet edition 46 - The Commercial Imperative Assassin
hoolet edition 45 - A Lateral Thought
hoolet edition 44 - The Watching
hoolet edition 43 - The Child Within
hoolet edition 42 - If Kipling were a GP
hoolet edition 42 - Of Directors, Philosophers and Poets
hoolet edition 40- Of Knees and Knickers
hoolet edition 39- Neighbour meets Norton
hoolet edition 38- Embarrassment
hoolet edition 37- From the Book of Negotiators
hoolet edition 36 - Practice Visit By WH Audit
hoolet edition 35 - The Bells, The Bells. . . .
hoolet edition 34 - Talking Urine
hoolet edition 33 - Reflections on Reggie Perrin
hoolet edition 32 - Myth 1 Logic 1
hoolet edition 31 - Poems
hoolet edition 30 - One Size Fits All
hoolet edition 29 - Downwardly Mobile
hoolet edition 28 - From the mouths of babes
hoolet edition 27 - On Losing Their Child

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.