OF KNEES AND KNICKERS

By Alex Thain
Contact the author by e-mail at christopher.johnstone@ntlworld.com

It was an ordinary day in an ordinary surgery in the North of Scotland but this day was special because there was going to be a row. It was going to be a big row with shouting, tears and tantrums and it would come from an entirely unpredictable source.

Eve was a sporty bubbly fifteen year old who’d come along with a knee problem. We discussed her symptoms and listened to her mum’s views before deciding to examine the knee. Clearly, Eve’s fashionable tight trousers entirely precluded a traditional “roll up” examination so I asked her to slip them off. I should have been warned by her momentary discomfort but put it down to mild teenage reticence. Eve duly obliged without considering a curtain or blanket, deftly removing the trousers before skipping athletically onto the couch. This manoeuvre revealed her underwear, a tiny white lacy string which would not have been misplaced between the covers of FHM magazine. The garment was much more Janet Reger than BHS and was clearly a new revelation to her mortified mother. Her mother simply gawped for all of five seconds before exploding like a small thermonuclear device. I simply took a backward step at this point to witness the exchange of heavy artillery and ponder an escape route that avoided entrapment by either party and offered some hope of resolution. Predictably however the questions came- “ Don’t you think she looks like a tart Dr?” from mum and “I’ll bet you’ve seen lots of girls wearing these Dr?” from Eve. This was the consultation equivalent of “do you think my bum looks big in this?” Anyway, I resolved the situation by accepting that both points of view had validity and yes, Eve did suit them and felt good wearing them but had to accept that others might interpret differently. This seemed to mollify both parties long enough to finish the consultation.

Reflecting later, I realised that Eve’s observation that doctors were in some way experts on human underwear, did have a ring of truth about it. We’ve all experienced a range of undergarments ranging from the obstructive to the non-existent, lovingly presented to us by Saint Michael, the patron saint of underwear.

Legendary figures for me include old Jimmy (85 going on 18) who always has a merino wool semmit* ironed within an inch of it’s life, a beacon of his wife’s pride. Or Janet whose corset arrangements pour scorn on Newton’s theories and would defy the most determined safebreaker. I’m sure that these garments were fabricated on the Clyde, a sort of “Made in Scotland from Girders (and elastic)” to paraphrase the advert. And then there was young Gail who, like Eve, was always adorned in particularly frilly, lacy and slightly discomforting underwear regardless of the top layer. Eventually, the poor lass was savaged by a national newspaper who alleged all manner of “escort” activities but we remain steadfastly non-judgemental.

To complete the circle though, Alice one of our “alternative” patients came along, again with a knee problem. The same scenario unfolded and had I requested an unfettered examination when she turned and said “but Dr, I’m commando”. A combination of naivety and temporary deaf ness intervened, “Oh that’s good “I said “Where’s he stationed?” A confused silence hung until she enlightened me. I now know that the phrase denotes a complete absence of underwear. I was very glad however that there was no commando around for this argument…

*Semmit (also Simmit)- Old Scots word for a vest or similar undergarment.

Other hoolet online articles by Alex Thain can be found at:
hoolet edition 50 - A Fairy Tale
hoolet edition 49 - A Tale of Two Addicts
hoolet edition 48 - The Supporter
hoolet edition 47 - Cannon Fodder
hoolet edition 46 - The Commercial Imperative Alternative
hoolet edition 46 - The Commercial Imperative Assassin
hoolet edition 45 - A Lateral Thought
hoolet edition 44 - The Watching
hoolet edition 43 - The Child Within
hoolet edition 42 - If Kipling were a GP
hoolet edition 42 - Of Directors, Philosophers and Poets
hoolet edition 40- Of Knees and Knickers
hoolet edition 39- Neighbour meets Norton
hoolet edition 38- Embarrassment
hoolet edition 37- From the Book of Negotiators
hoolet edition 36 - Practice Visit By WH Audit
hoolet edition 35 - The Bells, The Bells. . . .
hoolet edition 34 - Talking Urine
hoolet edition 33 - Reflections on Reggie Perrin
hoolet edition 32 - Myth 1 Logic 1
hoolet edition 31 - Poems
hoolet edition 30 - One Size Fits All
hoolet edition 29 - Downwardly Mobile
hoolet edition 28 - From the mouths of babes
hoolet edition 27 - On Losing Their Child

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.