THE WATCHING

By Alex Thain
Contact the author by e-mail at info@ardlarich.co.uk

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you
The Police- Every Breath You Take

It was an ordinary day in an ordinary supermarket in the North of Scotland and I had dropped in for a few essentials on the way home. Tired, hungry and a little shell-shocked after a reasonably brisk day, I failed to avoid Mrs Claik lurking around the tinned tuna, poised to ambush unsuspecting prey. Like many of you, I have almost perfected the art of embarrassingly superficial conversation in such circumstances but Mrs Claik was made of sterner stuff.

“Doing some shopping are we Doctor?” said the bold Mrs Claik, her voice heavy with disapproval. The idea of a man shopping, particularly at 7 pm was clearly light years outside her conceptual norm.

“Aye, a few things on the way home” I replied, fatally eager to emphasise the length of my working day.

“Och I'm sure it could have waited,” she said, her eyes drifting disapprovingly to my eclectic collection of goods.

I smiled and departed to the sanctity of the chill counter to simmer down a little. My annoyance came not from the fact she had looked but much more that she had passed judgement. She embodied the stalking patient who seems to know far too much about you and chooses to arbitrate on appropriacy. The familiar words of the Police song drifted through my brain, Every Breath You Take was considered by many to be a jolly love song but the reality of the lyrics belies a darker side. However, my faith was restored on reaching the checkout, my patient Miss Blether being the consummate professional who scanned my bread, beer, shampoo and ladies tights without a glance, let alone a mention.

The shopping stalk can also have a humorous side as demonstrated a few years ago at Christmas time. As a keen gardener, I find Christmas an excellent time to acquire new and slightly unnecessary tools. This is a real boon for my nearest and dearest and, as a bonus, provides a last line of defence against ties, socks and aftershave and usually comes with permission to “choose it yourself”. So there I was in a suit, excitedly walking through B & Q with my shiny new stainless steel spade, dreaming of warmer days and homegrown veg when the voice of Mrs Cheeky penetrated the haze.

“A few mistakes then Doc?” she quipped, smile as broad as a melon slice. It's good to laugh out loud.

On reflecting a little later and discussing the matter with my colleagues in other places, it seems that the intrusive nature of shop stalking is less in smaller places. This seems counter intuitive but may have something to do with novelty. Perhaps patients in smaller places see their docs regularly enough in normal life, a little like the checkout operator, and the novelty wears off? Perhaps it's simple human curiosity and I wonder if I can resist a sly peek if I bump into any of our dieticians whilst shopping…

PS I am acutely aware that my observations pale into insignificance besides the trauma of our colleague in Aberdeen who needed the might of the judiciary to deal with a major stalker - I hope that he has more peace in his life now and can return to minor irritations.

Other hoolet online articles by Alex Thain can be found at:
hoolet edition 50 - A Fairy Tale
hoolet edition 49 - A Tale of Two Addicts
hoolet edition 48 - The Supporter
hoolet edition 47 - Cannon Fodder
hoolet edition 46 - The Commercial Imperative Alternative
hoolet edition 46 - The Commercial Imperative Assassin
hoolet edition 45 - A Lateral Thought
hoolet edition 44 - The Watching
hoolet edition 43 - The Child Within
hoolet edition 42 - If Kipling were a GP
hoolet edition 42 - Of Directors, Philosophers and Poets
hoolet edition 40- Of Knees and Knickers
hoolet edition 39- Neighbour meets Norton
hoolet edition 38- Embarrassment
hoolet edition 37- From the Book of Negotiators
hoolet edition 36 - Practice Visit By WH Audit
hoolet edition 35 - The Bells, The Bells. . . .
hoolet edition 34 - Talking Urine
hoolet edition 33 - Reflections on Reggie Perrin
hoolet edition 32 - Myth 1 Logic 1
hoolet edition 31 - Poems
hoolet edition 30 - One Size Fits All
hoolet edition 29 - Downwardly Mobile
hoolet edition 28 - From the mouths of babes
hoolet edition 27 - On Losing Their Child

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.