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By Ali Bodie
Contact the author via Chris Johnstone by e-mail at christopher.johnstone@ntlworld.com

Maybe it’s a media thing, leaked over from the USA, this idea that if you have cancer you MUST be positive.

First time around for me this whole positive thing came as rather a shock. Never in my life had anyone uttered the words "Think positive!" until I was diagnosed with cancer, and there I was with my life, body, hair and mind falling apart and everyone I met said it. Within 24 hrs of diagnosis I reckon I had heard it 30 times or more. It began to hurt my ears, I started avoiding people. My answering machine was never so full.

One friend called to tell me I'd alienate my friends if I wasn't more positive. I was just out of hospital, armpit on fire having just heard my pathology results. I was in for a long haul, treatment to last 10 months. Was I happy? No. Was I stoically accepting it? No! She on the other hand was off out to go to a party.

The girls [and men!] who frequent our website generally hate the be positive stuff too.

I would be asked by neighbours "How are you" as I tottered baldly past their house, "Well." I'd start "Just be positive!" they'd interrupt, "that's the trick to beating it, a positive attitude!"

There is not much you can say to this stone wall, in fact folk don't know what to say , don't want to know, its too near home,it has the effect of shutting down the conversation.

And people really seem to believe this attitude thing. Time after time I've met girls at our group or on the net convinced they are going to die because they are upset, depressed, grieving over their diagnosis. They believe if they don't keep up a happy front ALL the time they are doomed. And that is some strain on top of everything else. An unfair strain.

As my friend Jacky said "From my experience all a good attitude does is make those around you happy and hopeful.” That does lead to a chain reaction of benefits, like their company, which is an upside to good attitude I suppose.

Another friend Pam, a Presbyterian minister with advanced BC said irately on the subject "I can no more summon up a positive attitude on demand than summon up a sneeze or an orgasm to order"

I've been wondering about that one since.I used to stick Kirby grips up my nose aged 5 to make me sneeze, sort of hairgrip version of snuff...

Unless being upbeat is a "truth" for the person, being upbeat all the time is not positive, in fact it might just be exhausting and diminishing, particularly if it is done to make others more comfortable.

I'm a realist, I've read all I can on breast cancer, I know what's going on where in the country, what options I have [few, two in fact], I've made preparations for my dying, that is not negative thinking, its sensible. Some people say "You have to fight this beast " No, I don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right to me. I'm coming to acceptance, peaceful acceptance, I'll give gammaknife a whirl if need be but my other option is a nebulous chance of a few more months life on Xeloda, and chemo and I don't get along too well, I'd rather enjoy life.

Last week I spent a hour with my friend Michelle. She had been admitted to a hospice, paralysed by her breast cancer and in pain. Her eyes were yellow, her abdomen swollen. She begged me to look on the net for something else she could try, she was terrified of dying, raging at the dying of the light. She died two days ago. I'd hate that for my friends and family.

Michelle never believed she would not be cured, you could say that was a positive attitude, but it didn't make her live any longer. And it certainly didn't make her passing peaceful.

I think it is not "attitude" but all down to your pathology report.

I have an answer at last to the determined Pollyannas who still insist I can cure myself.

I ask them if they think they are a positive person, of course they are! Then I produce one of my Lamlash Splash entry forms, "Sign here" I say,

"Oh no I'd never be able to do that, too cold, too far, sea, jellyfish!" they whine.

Don't be so negative!!

Got my own back at last!

And cancer is not a beast, its just my own cells gone awry. Its part of me, my body grew it, that's all. So I'd be better just getting on with doing all the things I love best.

I said I'd be typing this on the terrace on Arran, but my new laptop is too scary to unplug, I may never get back onto broadband! Or e-bay for that matter.

So I'm typing it instead in the middle of packing for a whole month on Arran,hooray!I told my oncologist not to worry, I'd just get the air ambulance to drop me off at Dundee. I've never been on a helicopter.

Being in Arran is wonderful,beach on the doorstep, SHOPS, friends coming to stay, no phone, no pc, no mail, no neighbours, no hassles except good old Cal Mac. Getting up late, not getting up at all if its raining, talking to the seals, eating icecream, gazing at mountains, watching Gannets dive. You notice so much more if time is precious.

And I still plan to swim from Holy Isle to Lamash, my oncologist said he wouldn't be at all surprised if I do! I'm going to a BBQ on Ailsa Craig this month, too exciting, hope not to get seasick and embarrass self terribly!

September is beginning to look reachable now, although I suppose I still may peg it at the last post.That will be a year from my first brain mets diagnosis, and I was only given hope for a few months then. After that I'll be hoping for Christmas! Well Halloween would do.....

Ali xx

Other hoolet online articles by Ali Bodie can be found at:
hoolet edition 49 - Perched on her Electric Chair
hoolet edition 48 - A Different Holy Aisle
hoolet edition 47 - Swimming up the Aisle
hoolet edition 46 - Support Groups and New York, New York
hoolet edition 45 - Cancer, Attitudes, The Cure... Not!
hoolet edition 44 - Cat In a Bag
hoolet edition 43 - Swimming Against the Tide
hoolet edition 42 - Swimming to the Holy Isle
hoolet edition 41 - Swimming In De Nile
hoolet edition 40 - Breast Lumps and Swimming

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.