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Following the scoop in last hoolet’s issue regarding the new quality indicators for the new QOF framework in April 2006, the editorial team was visited by the Department of Health’s heavies. We were threatened with a variety of punishments including monthly visits from the QOF payment verification team. Despite this our mole has discovered another new framework for the QOF next year. We are proud to be the first to publish this controversial new framework.

QOF N0. 12 --- RESPECT

BAM 1
% of patients under the age of 16 who have been given a stern talking to about their responsibilities in a modern multi cultural society by a member of the practice staff who has undergone accredited training in respect counselling.

BAM 2
% of patients under the age of 16 who have proven membership > than 18 months of the Boys Brigade, Woodland Folk , Guides or Scouts extra point for perfect attendance record.

BAM 3
% of patients under the age of 16 who have never been excluded from school for “challenging behaviour”

BAM 4
% of patients under the age of 16 who have less than two ASBOs.

BAM 5
% of patients under the age of 16 who have never worn a fake Burberry baseball cap.

BAM 6
% of patients under the age of 16 who do not own a Lacoste shell suit, hoodie or Berghaus Jacket (exceptions will be made if the jacket is worn whilst Munro bagging! or enjoying family rambles with their pet labrador (restricted to footpaths recognised by the Ordance Survey and the Country Code of course must be observed at all times)

BAM 7
% of patients under the age of 16 who do not own a Sovereign ring or a ring or necklace that spells out their name.

BAM 8
% of patients under the age of 16 who have not attended wanting treatment for secondary infertility.

BAM 9
% of patients under the age of 16 who have never attended with an infected belly button piercing

BAM 10
% of patients under age of 16 who have never seen an episode of Celebrity Love Island

BAM 11
% of patients under age of 16 who would rather be Gary Lineker than Wayne Rooney.

BAM 12
% of patients under age of 16 who do not have tattoo of Disney character (lose extra 2 points if self inflicted).

BAM 13
% of patients under age of 16 who think Jordan is small Middle Eastern country trapped between dichotomy of Islamic fundamentalism and Western imperialism and not an unfeasibly endowed page 3 stunner.

BAM 14
% of patients under age of 16 who have not attended with irritant anal pruritis secondary to over-tight thong.

BAM 15
% of patients under the age of 16 who think Bob Geldof does have a point but wouldn't it be less disruptive and just as effective to have a nation-wide sponsored silence (and is all that swearing really necessary? And shouldn't he get his hair cut?)

BAM 16
% of patients under the age of 16 who have had flu vaccination.

Other hoolet online articles by The Parliament can be found at:
hoolet edition 45 - Somerled Fergusson Tribute
hoolet edition 43 - An Agenda For Chaperoning

hoolet is the magazine of RCGP Scotland. It is supported intellectually, financially and emotionally by RCGP Scotland.

This issue maintained by Robert Hallam.