Latest Butler Scandal
It has come to the attention of the editorial staff here at hoolet that a certain butler has been touting his “unique” story round the world press. We at hoolet understand that the revelations are said to include the lost negotiation minutes, those secret post-conference debriefings in full, and details of his master’s bowtie agonies. However as a mark of respect to Dr Chisholm we wish to make it clear that we have no intention of reprinting any of these ludicrous but juicy tales.
GMS2 News
The Scottish Executive has acted to clarify the confusion surrounding the rules for exception reporting under GMS2. Compliance issues will include “they wans gie me the dry boak, so they dae”, “Ah cannae swallae they big wans” and the ever prevalent “Ah’m jist takin they wans fae Jan de Vries, nane o your shite”. Informed dissent from patients is likely to include “F*** off, I’m a virgin”. Expect updated Read Codes soon.
Two Birds with One Stone
Sticking with the contract, the Executive has reacted stroppily to the SGPC suggestion that to boost practice’s Carr Hill and at the same time to help with quality points practices should strike off new patients every 3 months. “This will help no-one, except perhaps Scottish doctors,” said a source.
OOH no Matron
Rural GPs have come up with an answer to the out of hours shambles by hiring a minibus to transport patients who require to be seen out of hours. “We have instructed the driver to tour round the local villages, maybe honking the horn a few times, allowing patients to climb aboard, and be whisked off in comfort to one of the big cities where I understand they can be seen within a matter of hours at one of the central treatment centres,” said an un-named GP. “ I expect this will be popular with patients, especially at Christmas as the shops are full of bargains too”.
Fishing Competition
A recent snippet from the magazine of the Scottish Solicitors College (“The Sucker”) makes interesting reading. Apparently a goodly prize is offered to the solicitor who can land the largest set of casenotes under the £10 photocopying fee.
Enhanced Services Options
Forward-thinking practices have already been rumoured to be entering into negotiations with their local PCT over an innovative DES, namely shit-picking-up. “We saw a niche in the market,” explains the savvy practice manager in question. “ When the shit hits the fan, as it will inevitably, the PCT definitely won’t want it to be their faces getting covered, so we thought we would offer them an attractively priced deal which allows them to scapegoat someone else. Us. After all GPs are so used to being the whipping boys of the NHS that we have a proven track record in picking up the said shit.” A PCT spokesman said they were “seriously considering” the option, but wondered whether nurses would work out cheaper.
NHS 24 Puff
Latest figures from NHS 24 have been lauded by ministers. These show that the system is exceeding government directives regarding the handling of such calls. “We can proudly state that we are, in fact, redirecting all patients to an urgent GP appointment within 24 hours of receiving the call”
“These figures clearly show NHS 24 is working, “ said a man in a suit today.
Reid says “We Must Learn From USA”
Health Minister “not a real” Dr John Reid broke his vow not to talk to GPs yesterday with a rousing speech in which he lambasted GPs for being behind the times. He cited US companies such as Kaiser Permanente as models of “the way ahead” for the NHS. “Kaiser Wilhelm has some outstanding ideas on waiting lists, treatment of the elderly, the chronically disabled and the unemployed…..bomb the bastards!”
ADVANCED ACCESS - THE LOGICAL EXTENSION
“Practices will soon start offering patients appointments before they are ill,” claimed one proponent of advanced access (AA). “I foresee a glorious golden age of general practice where we only see well patients and give them a thorough going over with access to full body MRI scans for all patients annually. Obviously until that becomes reality we will be issuing all GPs with their own crystal ball and set of divination rods which should do the job just as well. Defence premiums are likely to more than offset any promised pay rise, so that’s all right too. Oh yes, good times ahead.”
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